Statue(tory) Rape

Rhodes has Fallen

In case you are not aware, something rather interesting has been happening in South Africa over the last couple of weeks. And as my blog title suggests, it’s about statues. Missed it? Let me quickly bring you up to speed.

About a month ago now, a student at the University of Cape Town (UCT) staged a political protest against the lack of racial transformation at the university. His location of protest? The statue of Cecil John Rhodes located on the university’s campus grounds. His weapon of choice?  Faeces! Yep, good old fashioned human poo. His plan was to cause extreme offense and confront the situation head on. It worked. Frustrated at the lack of transformation at UCT, many other students joined the protest (without emptying the bowels though) and “#RhodesMustFall” was born.

But it didn’t end there. As the news made its way around the country, a nationwide conversation around colonial statues began. More and more people, led by the rabble rousing Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF) political party, began calling for colonial statues to be removed. But as with most things in South Africa, the racial undertones made their way to the surface. The “pro-statue camps” and the “anti-statue camps” fast became the “white camps” and the “black camps” respectively.

The general (note, I said “general” not “absolute”)  feeling among South Africans is this: white people feel the statues are a part of history so they must stay, while black people feel they are a part of an oppressive history so they must fall.

As for me? Well, I’m of the “statues must fall camp” and here’s why:

  1. These colonial statues celebrate/commemorate people who were not pro-equality. Whatever the argument, people like Cecil John Rhodes and Paul Kruger did not believe in the equality of all irrespective of race. They were pro-white. Why must a statue of such an individual be exhibited in the public space of a country trying to transform from a racially oppressive past?
  1. Some people are saying things like employment, education, healthcare, etc. are way more important than statues; that we must ignore statues and attend to those issues first. But just because AIDS is more deadly than the common cold, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t treat your cold.
  1. Why is it an issue when black people are offended by something? I mean, you don’t see statues of Nazis in Israel do you? Why not? Because they are offensive to Jews. And everyone understands and respects that. But when black people say they are offended by something, we belittle their feelings. “It’s no big deal”, “it’s the past”, “there are more important things”. No!!! This is important too!!!
  1. I’ve seen a lot of white commentators saying these colonial figures did a lot of good in the country, like building roads, rail, etc. Hitler did most things out of love for his country…are there any statues of him in Germany? Why not?
  1. Finally there’s those that say rather than removing colonial statues, statues of struggle heroes must be built next to the colonial statues. But that’s totally missing the point. The colonial statues represent a people that fought for white supremacy and domination. The struggle against colonisation and apartheid was not about black domination, it was about equality across all races. So you cannot equate Cecil John Rhodes (or his statue) to Nelson Mandela (or his statue).

Ultimately, I think it’s almost impossible for white South Africans to understand Black South Africans’ pain as far as apartheid is concerned. I mean, I personally don’t even fully appreciate it so I can’t imagine most white South Africans will ever really get it…and most don’t want to anyway. Hence the ever increasing racial tensions in the country.

As for the Rhodes statue at UCT, well, the University’s council met yesterday and unanimously decided the statue must be removed…which is happening this very minute as I type this. #RhodesHasFallen is born. The question now is….”will the same fate befall the myriad of colonial statues dotted around the country?” I ‘EFFen’ hope so!

Born ‘yawn’ free

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In case you’ve never heard of the term “bornfree”, allow me to briefly explain what it is. As you may already know, South Africa since 1994 transitioned from a system of apartheid to one of majority rule. Citizens born from 1994 onwards are known in this part of the world as the born-free generation or just bornfees.

Now, I don’t mean to undermine the joys that freedom brings to an individual but after a while, all this “bornfree” rhetoric gets a little nauseating. I’ve lived in quite a few countries and nowhere is this whole “bornfree” stuff more hyped than here in South Africa.

Last night I had a drunken debate with some friends about it; among them three South Africans…none of whom were “born free” might I add. There was all this talk about “it’s time for the bornfrees to rise and excite the rainbow nation”…”the struggle heroes see their victories in the eyes of the bornsfrees”…blah blah blah. Like I said earlier, I’m not trying to undermine freedom, but at the end of the day, it’s just a concept. It’s the living that happens between these conceptual ideas that matters. Coining marketable terms to make yourselves seem different and more special than everyone else is just an unnecessary distraction and is borderline gimmicky to be honest. I mean WTF is a rainbow nation? Every country has loads of inhabitants from loads of varied backgrounds, cultures, tribes, etc. We live in a rainbow world which you’ll probably find is in a rainbow solar system. Shout out E.T. and friends out there. We see you.

The argument became very volatile as you can imagine. These types of debates always do…the alcohol doesn’t help either. But I stuck to my guns. Bornfrees are just people born in a particular period like those born in any other period. Being a bornfree isn’t anything you’ve achieved or a badge that makes you more special than those who came before you. Every country in the world has born frees. For instance:

Anyone born in Kenya after 12th December 1963 is a bornfree. Those birthed in Mozambique after 25th June 1975 are bornfrees too. In fact, anyone born in the USA after 4th July 1776 is a bornfree. Come to think of it, I was born in Zimbabwe after 18th April 1980. That means I too am a bornfree. Well, I’ll be damned. Who would have thought little old me would be a bornfree. I feel kinda different just thinking about it. I feel…I feel FREE!!! ☺

So yeah, if you think about it, every country in the world has bornfrees….well except for the Brtitish who were out colonising everyone…oh, and the Ethiopians too, what with the whole “never been colonised” thing. I guess the Brits, Ethiopians, and whoever else was never colonised or apartheidised could call themselves “ever frees”…or “always frees” whichever you think is catchier and more marketable. I’ll coin them both just in case.

I guess at the end of the day, if South Africans want to hype everything up, there’s no law against that. Born free, democracy, rainbow nation, etc. If it gets peole to smile at each other. I guess it’s worth it. But after a while of constantly hearing about it, you can’t help but yawn. It is after all just democracy. It’s not going to raise your kids or massage your balls after chemo…do balls need massaging after chemo? I dont know, but you catch my drift right?

Last night, after we all calmed down, one friend said to me, “at the end of the day, South Africa is a very unique country”. “Yes it is” I responded…”as unique as every other country”.

*just scribbling my international relations thoughts*

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Mandela dies…South Africa fries…apparently.

Mandela2

 

So it being Father’s Day today, I guess it’s only fitting that I start by wishing Comrade Nelson Mandela, the father of the nation and his kids, a very happy father’s day. This year, Father’s Day in South Africa falls on a Public Holiday. Yep, today is Youth Day, a day when South Africans commemorate the Soweto Uprising that began on 16th June 1976.
The roots of the Soweto Uprising lay in a 1974 official order which made Afrikaans compulsory in schools and the use of indigenous languages prohibited. Because Afrikaans was largely seen as the “language of the oppressor”, this order resulted in growing resentment in both teachers and students. As such, on 16th June 1976, thousands of black students went on a protest rally from their schools to Orlando Stadium.

As was becoming the horrific norm in apartheid South Africa, what was supposed to be a peaceful protest resulted in the deaths of innocent children at the hands of a heavily armed police force. There is no doubt that the Soweto Uprising played a crucial role in laying the foundation for the release of Nelson Mandela and the end of the apartheid regime in South Africa, politically anyway.

 

Today Mandela is almost 95 years old and is currently in a Pretoria hospital suffering from a recurring lung infection that came as a result of the tuberculosis he contracted during the 27 year stint he endured on Robben Island. Taking into account his age, illness, and the many trying times he’s been through, it’s natural for people to fear that the end is nigh for the man that become the iconic face of South Africa’s struggle against apartheid.

 

So what happens when Nelson Mandela finally rests? Well, type in “white g” and before you finish, Google will have suggested “white genocide in South Africa”. Under the results you’ll find such genius headings as “Blacks will massacre whites after Mandela’s death”, “South Africans fear Mandela’s death” and “White genocide after Mandela’s death in SA”.

 

Within these articles, the basic story is this:

 

White people in South Africa believe black people will no longer hold back after Mandela dies. They believe blacks will wield knives, guns, sjamboks, and any other weapons, and take what they believe is owed to them. This, according to these sites, shall be known as “Operation White Clean-up”. Catchy title hey? Anyway, it will be chaos, they say, and the country will burn. BURN I TELL YOU!

 

Yes people, apparently black South Africans have, since 1994, been sat twiddling their thumbs, sharpening their machetes, waiting patiently for Mandela to die. And as soon as he does, black folks are going to morph, incredible hulk style, into mean, green, white-people-killing machines.

 

 

Call me anserous, but I think it’s quite insulting to the intelligence of black people to suggest they’ll just start swinging on monkey bars and slaughtering anyone who possesses reduced amounts of melanin. Any why? Because a former president will have passed away? I know we were dumb enough to have our land and wealth stolen from right under our noses but to suggest we’ll all turn into serial killers soon after Mandela’s doctor calls time of death sounds somewhat farfetched.

 

Maybe the white folks writing this malarkey on these fear mongering websites need to rather put their efforts into spreading the word about the need to build a more equal and economically sustainable South Africa for all its citizens regardless of race. And while they are at it, drop the superiority complex that plagues many white South Africans. Because all this complex does is create fodder for fear-inducing, anti-democracy, privilege-demanding right wing extremists.

 

Okay, fine, let me stop being a logical and rational party pooper and instead humour the “Operation White Clean-up” conspiracy theorists among us. Let’s see…how can I indulge said folks? Oh yes, how about this: “To my white associates…beware, my machete cometh! MUHAHAHAHA!”

 

Better?

 

*just scribbling my machete thoughts*

 

Mandela

My 10 favourite blog posts

Top 10 posts

Firstly a big shout out to everyone who reads my blog posts. You all make it a lot of fun to scribble my thoughts.

I’ve received a fair few emails and tweets from folks asking me what my favourite posts are. Naturally, as with your kids, you can’t pick favourites….but you do like others more. Yes people, you love all your kids but you like some better than others right? Or is that just me?

So, in no particular order, here are my 10 “favourite” blog posts. Read, Share, & Enjoy!

1) How xenophobia can improve your life

This was definitely one of my favourite posts. Following a spate of xenophobic incidences in South Africa, this was just me trying to understand this intolerance.

2) How to keep your twelebs happy

After a few fracases with twitter’s “cool kids”, I decided to share the secrets to keeping the twelebs on your timelines happy.

3) 7 Stages of the Friend Zone Cycle

We all know someone in that dreaded Friend Zone…or have been there ourselves. This was my take on the mechanics of this courting construct

4) White people are insane…black people are crazy

We’ve all thought of pleading insanity in those desperate times right? Well maybe not all of us. The title says it all really.

5) Welcome to Zimbabwe: 10 Fun Facts!

To celebrate Zimbabwe’s Independence Day, I decided to have a fun look at the country of my birth.

6) How driving makes women lose their virginity and become prostitutes

This post was inspired by an “academic report” that highlighted some of the consequences of allowing women to drive

7) We got 99 problems but gays aint one

The senseless increase in violence against gays and lesbians inspired this post

8) South Africa – Two sides of two different coins: Commuting

This was one of a series of posts regarding some contrasting differences we experience every day

9) Prejudice: My poem for Africa

I’m not a poet so rather than being a poem, I guess this was kind of a shared moment with my beautiful continent

10) The joke’s on black folks…it always is

A friend sent me this picture and I just had to share my thoughts on it

These are just some of the posts you’ll find here. So do come visit now and again. Read and feel free to share with others. More posts will be up before you know it. Thanks again for reading.

*just scribbling my thoughts*

Welcome to Zimbabwe: 10 Fun Facts!

welcome_to_zimbabwe

Today is Zimbabwe’s Independence Day. Yes, on 18th April 1980, Zimbabwe gained it’s independence from British rule…whatever that means. But anyway, to celebrate our 35th birthday, I figured it would only be fitting if I shared a few fun facts about my beautiful motherland. So here are 10 fun facts about Zimbabwe:

1. Multi-currency – Zimbabwe is the world’s largest Bureau de Change. You can buy a loaf of bread that’s priced at R10 (South African Rands), pay with Euros, and receive your change in US Dollars, Pula, AND Rands. Every Zimbabwean is basically a walking currency converter!

2. Potholes – Our potholes have roads on them.

3. Cholera – Cholera is basically an ingredient.

4. Police – Our police put the ‘demon’ in demonstration.

5. Air Zimbabwe – some seats have no seat belts, so you just tighten the belt you’re wearing on your pants.

6. Swimming – We’d no doubt have the best swimmers…if the Olympics took place in the Limpopo River…and the finish line was South Africa

7. Water rationing – Water rationing is so effective we even turn off the Victoria Falls.

8. Fuel – If a girl asks you to take her out on a date somewhere expensive…you take her to a petrol station.

9. Diamonds – Erm, no, that’s just ketchup on our diamonds.

10. Elections – The fairest and most free elections in all the land. Need I say more?

Bonus Fact: Zim Dollar: As a friend of mine puts it “I’m a huge fan of the rapper 50cent…or as he’s now known in Zimbabwe,  500 million dollars” 🙂

Jokes aside, Zimbabwe is a lovely country and the people are the best. So do visit. I promise you’ll love it. Happy Birthday Zimbabwe!

*just scribbling my independence thoughts*

Five Ways to get over Apartheid. #HumanRights

Sharpeville Massacre

Wow, I feel like a stranger to my own blog. It’s been a while since I scribbled anything. Blame it on the hectic life of a father trying to put nappies on his newborn’s bottom. That said, today is a public holiday here in South Africa so I thought, why not scribble a little something.

 

Yes, today South Africans “celebrate” Human Rights Day. I know what you’re thinking; that Human Rights Day is in December right? Well yes…sort of. You see, Human Rights Day is celebrated annually across the world on 10th December. This is because on 10th December 1948, the United Nations General Assembly adopted and proclaimed the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR), the first global enunciation of human rights and one of the first major “achievements” of the new United Nations.

 

What’s ironic about this so called “first major achievement” is that 1948 was the same year that apartheid was formally adopted as policy in South Africa. So much for Human Rights Day hey? So here in SA, Human Rights Day is “celebrated” on 21st March. This is because on 21st March 1960, 69 people died and 180 were wounded when police opened fire on a peaceful crowd that had gathered to protest against apartheid Pass laws. This became known as the Sharpeville Massacre.

 

So to honour those who gave their lives for the freedoms of so many, here are 5 quick steps on how to get over apartheid.

 

1)    Go back in time and stop it ever happening

2)    Honour only Nelson Mandela and ignore all the other heroes that rubbed a particular race the wrong way

3)    Be a born-free with parents who believe ignorance is bliss

4)    Wear an eye patch on both eyes and ear plugs…see no poverty, hear no poverty

5)    Be a white South African…it really helps

 

Ps: the only thing not talking about apartheid does is ease the conscience of its perpetrators. Don’t be in the business of easing consciences. The next time someone tells you to get over apartheid, tell them to get over themselves. Talk about your history, be about your history.

 

*just scribbling my thoughts*

 

Thank Yew ANC…

As I lade in my bad lust knight, I could’nt stop thinking about how unfairly the peepul of this lend have bin treating the ANC end in particular our Minister of Basic Education, Angie Motshekga. So please consider this my Thank Yew note to the ANC patty that liberated us end especially yew Mama Angie fore yaw tyre-less work in making hour education system one of the burst in the hole weld.

I was borne and razed in a rural putt of Limpopo were I steel leave with my mother end my brothers. I was borne inside apartheid but near the and. I remember the beautiful sins of those 1994 elections. I was with my mother as she cued for ours on and butt it was worth eat. The site of those poles was saw magical. Finally, there was piece in South Africa.

Skip foreword to today end peepul have forgotten how the hard work of the ANC gave berth to piece in this lend of hours. Its quiet unbelievable how sum of yew mourn about everything everyday. Give them a brake already. They are doing a descent job in many arrears. I never dreamed I wood have an education butt thanks to the efforts of heroins like Mama Angie hear I am in colleague doing a coarse in Lend Affaires. I wander were I would bee write now without the hard work of her end her teem at the Department of Basic Education. Were wood yew bee?

I’m not saying we should bee complaisant end except the education in the country as perfect butt we must give complements were there are dew. Yes, hour stationary inn Limpopo was delivered late butt surely mistakes are aloud specially from a guavament trying to altar the coarse of apartheid.

I worn yew, or bettor yet, I advice yew to not always be septic about hour guavament. Stop this cereal complaining end instead pore yaw energies into giving the storey of South Africa a furry tail ending. As for me, I look foreword to a long carrier inn Lend Affaires were I wheel help felloe South Africans realise they’re dreams of finely owning they’re own lend.

I welcome a replay to my massage.

Thank yew

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Ps: A lot of people believe in this government. It’s time government believed in them and gave them a fair chance. After all the grandstanding of this 101 year celebration is done, please work tirelessly every day to fix South Africa’s education system.

*just scribbling my thoughts*

Where is Mandela? 10 places you should look.

Now you see me...now you don't...

Now you see me…now you don’t…

So, in case you live underneath a rock below another rock, you’ll know that South Africa’s knight in shining armour President Nelson Mandela was hospitalised with an on-going lung infection almost a week ago now. According to media reports here in SA and abroad, uTata Mandela as he’s affectionately known, was being treated at 1 Military Hospital in Pretoria. The heavy presence of police suggested this was the case.

But yesterday, in true Houdini fashion, it emerged that the great man after whom every place, bridge, square, city, and street are named after, wasn’t actually in 1 Military at all. Now would be a good time to observe a moment of silence for all the media that had made the outside grounds of 1 Military Hospital their home for the past few days, sending us live pictures of…well…a Mandela-less hospital.

So after all the fun and games of Mandela’s bait and switch…which was done quite well, so kudos to the government…I guess the question remains…where is Nelson Mandela? Well, I’ve compiled a list of places I think he’s at. These are places I’d hide him if I was personally tasked with that job; basically 10 places I know people would never look.

1) Robben Island – don’t under estimate the power of nostalgia

2) The Library – when was the last time you were in your public library? Honestly. Well you might want to go there now. Look under ‘L’ for Lung Infection.

3) At an L-Tido concert – if you’re 94 and just want some peace and quiet, there’s no better place than this. I don’t think L-Tido himself even goes to these

4) Within the finances of the Eastern Cape government – it’s a mess in there. No one would be able to find him. That said, everything in there is negative so probably not advisable for a frail old man

5) In an e-toll e-tags office/outlet – bet you haven’t been there have you?

6) At any house whose oldest child is a “born free” – the whole family is probably out watching The Parlotones or something like that

7) At any Rhino park – these are fast becoming THE quiet empty places to relax

8) Khulubuse Zuma’s pantry – another quiet empty place to relax. If he’s not here, X-ray Khulubuse’s stomach

9) On any 1time aircraft – I know presidents fly SAA but on this 1time, I think he’ll settle for 1time.

10) Limpopo – the conspiracy theorists among us will have you believe “the real Mandela” passed away a long time ago. So where better to look than Limpopo? While you’re there, check also for Tupac and Khulekani Mgqumeni Khumalo.

Yes folks, forget hospitals. Go camp outside these places. Tata is in one of them. Trust me…even though I’m just *scribbling my thoughts*

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To toll or not to toll…is this the question?

etoll

At the time of writing this post, there’s a “drive-slow” protest taking place on some of the highways in Johannesburg. As the term suggests, folks taking part in the protest are driving at a hangover-esque pace (about 10km/h or 6mph) and so, if you’re stuck behind them, I suggest you cancel all your appointments…or get a Red Bull and hope it actually DOES give you wings.

Anyway, the protest itself is against the South Africans National Roads Agency Limited (SANRAL) and its introduction of open road electronic toll (e-toll) collection on the highways of Gauteng Province. Essentially, Jo’burg has joined cities like London, Oslo, and Stockholm in introducing a sort of “congestion charge” to drive on its highways. Needless to say, folks are about as pissed as a horny Olive Oyl when a spinach-less Popeye can’t get it up.  So, expect protest after protest.

Now, I totally understand people being upset. I mean, it’s an added cost at a time when most are struggling to keep their heads above water and the others are on budgets as tight as Lindiwe Mazibuko’s blazers. But I’m forced to question this habit of waiting till the last minute to protest. Why wait till everything is up and running to the start protesting? You tell me no one from the Congress of South African Trade Unions (COSATU), Opposition to Urban Tolling Alliance (OUTA), or anyone protesting today, knew of SANRAL’s (read as Government’s) plans to set up e-toll?

And as those giant gantries were being erected and e-toll offices built? When employees were being hired and all the advertising was taking place? You tell me with all the points of intervention from the conception of e-toll to its commencement, no one thought “hey, we should protest this?”

Instead, Zwelinzima Vavi (General Secretary of COSATU) and everyone else sat and watched the government spend billions only to now protest. So where’s the government supposed to recoup this money? Increase collections? I’m sure that will be met with protest. How about cut spending? PROTEST!!! Where then?

This precisely is my problem with Unions. They don’t take enough steps to rectify a situation before the protest stages. It’s as if they want to be seen to be protesting. Because if unions aren’t out there protesting, what use are they? We’d soon cancel our subscriptions and Vavi & Co. would be out of work. Unions + Visible Protest = Perceived Saviours (read as Ca$h!!!).

In actuality, e-toll should have been protested against years ago, long before Jo’burg had a an e-toll office on every corner and giant metallic money-pinching structures overarching its roads. Now it’s too late, but then again Vavi, you already know this right?

 

*just scribbling my thoughts*

Help your helper. Pay her what she’s worth!

Twice every week I come home to a beautifully cleaned house. Sometimes I don’t even see the person responsible for this state of cleanliness that makes it so nice for me to fall onto the couch, put my feet up, and end the day on a cosy…and rather hygienic note. But the person responsible for all this is Thandi, a 29 year old mother of two from a township not too far from here. She’s “my helper”.

For my British friends, I should probably let you know; in Africa, we have maids. Yes, it’s very common for the bustling middle class that’s growing daily in this part of the world. In fact, we have people filling our cars at the fuel stations too. No need to leave your car in the cold and rain, put on those plastic gloves, and refuel yourself. In fact, we have no cold either. Who’s royalty now? 😉

But lavish as this all sounds, it’s actually rather deplorable. Such menial jobs exist because of the broad gap between the haves and the have-nots of this continent. The gap is very wide and continues to widen rapidly. This brings us to the issue I wish to scribble about today i.e. the labour abuses taking place in our very homes.

The other day as I was paying Thandi, I asked myself: how does she survive on this money? I pay her R100 for each day she works. That’s £7.01 (US$11.18) for each day she works. To put this in perspective, the UK National Minimum Wage rate for someone of Thandi’s age is £6.19 (US$9.87) per hour. That’s R88.31 PER HOUR. So essentially, I pay Thandi per day what she’d earn per hour in the UK. No wonder Brits don’t widely have maids. Who’d be able to afford £50 a day for a house help.

I have since increased Thandi’s wage but it’s still a pittance, one that should be reviewed on a global scale I’m sure. Being a house help is an incredibly difficult job and I’m ashamed to say we are taking advantage of these women. And what’s worse, many of them are single mothers. How are their children supposed to have the same chances in life as our children on R100 a day? Add to that the fact it’s difficult to obtain daily work.

There’s no doubt that, if we paid our domestic workers what they are really worth, most of us would either be cleaning up after ourselves or living in filth. *Just scribbling my thoughts*

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