Contrary to popular belief, the “Friend Zone” is actually an officially recognised method of courting; one that has a surprisingly high success rate of about 95%. This is obviously based on no scientific evidence whatsoever…but then again neither is the uniformity of nature across time and space. Ooooh, he so smart! 😉
It’s safe to say I don’t need to explain the “Friend Zone” to anyone right? If you don’t know what it is, you’re probably in it. So without further ado, as your resident Relationship Economist for the day, allow me to present my 7 Stages of the Friend Zone Cycle:
Stage 1: Getting Zoned
This is the stage you declare your undying love for her and she doesn’t reciprocate. It’s typically characterised by an SMS exchange of this nature:
You: “Good morning beautiful sunshine that lights up my world. Have a day as gorgeous as yourself. xxx”
Her: Hey mate, cheers
Stage 2: You’re such a good listener
Ideally you should stop the courting as soon as you are zoned. Only the strong (read: desperate) move to stage 2 for this is the stage where the real work starts. During this stage you will become her “best friend forever”. All you have to do is pretend you no longer have feelings for her. You have to listen to stories of and make excuses for all the jerks she falls for but treat her like crap, and basically be Mr. “he’s always there for me.” This stage is typically characterised by countless exchanges of this nature:
Her (in tears): Thabo is such a jerk. He stood me up AGAIN. I’ve had it with him.
You: It’s okay. I’m sure Thabo couldn’t make it. Not all men are jerks. Some of us never stand girls up.
Her: You always know how to cheer me up. Plus how could I leave Thabo? The sex is so Oh My God!!!
You: Yeah true that. Can’t leave that good loving (ignore that shrivelling sound…that’s just your manhood dying a little)
Stage 3: Getting the girl
After months…years even…of jerks like Thabo, she starts realising that you are always there for her and you never take advantage of her in her vulnerable state. It dawns on her (finally) that you indeed ARE Mr. “he’s always there for me”. So she talks herself into dating you. YES!!!! Congratulations young warrior. This is where you finally get paid. After years of celibacy and listening to countless stories of her sexcapades, you finally get to personally enter the land of milk and many men’s honey. 🙂
Her: Can’t believe everything I’ve always wanted has been right here in front of me all along
You (in tears): I never ever stopped believing. I love you SO much. (Duuuuude! Really?)
Stage 4: The girls from the crevices
If there’s anything that attracts women in a man, it’s confidence. At this stage you don’t even realise it but, now that you have the girl of that dream you’ve had for the last 10 years, you’re literally oozing confidence. Because you don’t even notice other women, THEY notice you and they start coming out of crevices in corners you never even knew existed. And guess what? They all want YOU Mr. “Oh, he’s so damn confident with that I don’t care swag!”
Stage 5: Hello Mr Jerk!
Because all this attention is new to you, it will definitely get to your head. At that point, it’s good bye Mr. Nice guy, and hello Mr. Jerk. The first thing Mr. Jerk realises is he’s wasted so much time wooing his nursery school sweetheart…and she actually “ain’t all that”. All you see in her now is that girl who was always moany about her relationships and frankly, you ain’t got time for that no more. ‘Cause it turns out everything YOU’VE always wanted just came out of a crevice in Stage 4.
Stage 6: To jerk or not to jerk
So, because you’re a jerk now, the ‘love of your (what was once very celibate) life’ leaves you. One of two things then happens:
Either: a) you remain a jerk (proceed to Stage 7) …or… b) your confidence, which was hinged on you having finally won your dream girl, takes a massive knock and the other girls retreat to their crevices (return to Stage 1).