7 Stages of the Friend Zone Cycle

friend_zone

Contrary to popular belief, the “Friend Zone” is actually an officially recognised method of courting; one that has a surprisingly high success rate of about 95%. This is obviously based on no scientific evidence whatsoever…but then again neither is the uniformity of nature across time and space. Ooooh, he so smart!😉

It’s safe to say I don’t need to explain the “Friend Zone” to anyone right? If you don’t know what it is, you’re probably in it. So without further ado, as your resident Relationship Economist for the day, allow me to present my 7 Stages of the Friend Zone Cycle:

Stage 1: Getting Zoned

This is the stage you declare your undying love for her and she doesn’t reciprocate. It’s typically characterised by an SMS exchange of this nature:

You: “Good morning beautiful sunshine that lights up my world. Have a day as gorgeous as yourself. xxx”

Her: Hey mate, cheers

ZONED!!!!!

Stage 2: You’re such a good listener

Ideally you should stop the courting as soon as you are zoned. Only the strong (read: desperate) move to stage 2 for this is the stage where the real work starts. During this stage you will become her “best friend forever”. All you have to do is pretend you no longer have feelings for her. You have to listen to stories of and make excuses for all the jerks she falls for but treat her like crap, and basically be Mr. “he’s always there for me.” This stage is typically characterised by countless exchanges of this nature:

Her (in tears): Thabo is such a jerk. He stood me up AGAIN. I’ve had it with him.

You: It’s okay. I’m sure Thabo couldn’t make it. Not all men are jerks. Some of us never stand girls up.

Her: You always know how to cheer me up. Plus how could I leave Thabo? The sex is so Oh My God!!!

You: Yeah true that. Can’t leave that good loving (ignore that shrivelling sound…that’s just your manhood dying a little)

Stage 3: Getting the girl

After months…years even…of jerks like Thabo, she starts realising that you are always there for her and you never take advantage of her in her vulnerable state. It dawns on her (finally) that you indeed ARE Mr.  “he’s always there for me”. So she talks herself into dating you. YES!!!! Congratulations young warrior. This is where you finally get paid. After years of celibacy and listening to countless stories of her sexcapades, you finally get to personally enter the land of milk and many men’s honey.🙂

Her: Can’t believe everything I’ve always wanted has been right here in front of me all along

You (in tears): I never ever stopped believing. I love you SO much. (Duuuuude! Really?)

Stage 4: The girls from the crevices

If there’s anything that attracts women in a man, it’s confidence. At this stage you don’t even realise it but, now that you have the girl of that dream you’ve had for the last 10 years, you’re literally oozing confidence. Because you don’t even notice other women, THEY notice you and they start coming out of crevices in corners you never even knew existed. And guess what? They all want YOU Mr. “Oh, he’s so damn confident with that I don’t care swag!”

Stage 5: Hello Mr Jerk!

Because all this attention is new to you, it will definitely get to your head. At that point, it’s good bye Mr. Nice guy, and hello Mr. Jerk. The first thing Mr. Jerk realises is he’s wasted so much time wooing his nursery school sweetheart…and she actually “ain’t all that”. All you see in her now is that girl who was always moany about her relationships and frankly, you ain’t got time for that no more. ‘Cause it turns out everything YOU’VE always wanted just came out of a crevice in Stage 4.

Stage 6: To jerk or not to jerk

So, because you’re a jerk now, the ‘love of your (what was once very celibate) life’ leaves you. One of two things then happens:

Either: a) you remain a jerk (proceed to Stage 7) …or… b) your confidence, which was hinged on you having finally won your dream girl, takes a massive knock and the other girls retreat to their crevices (return to Stage 1).

Stage 7:

Enjoy!!!!!!🙂

17 comments on “7 Stages of the Friend Zone Cycle

  1. Thank you. This post will serve as a birthday present for all my friends (even those that are in a relationship).

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  2. Maczwel says:

    Confidence is an innate attribute and should not be mistaken for an ego boost one finds in the affection they receive from another. Self love and appreciation will lead you to to be appreciated by those who acknowledge your efforts. I wont wait for the one who doesn’t appreciate my appreciation only to find out that there are many fish in the bowl willing to swim with me without disregarding my love. Word of advice, in order to avoid months and or years of frustration; go where you’re appreciated, that’s all. If she ever comes around to her senses hopefully you’ll still be single to mingle with her. Thanx for the enlightenment on stages 3 and 4 lol.

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    • ImTawanda says:

      Agreed. I personally prefer the “eject” policy. If the other person doesn’t reciprocate, I’m out. But if some want to go via the Friend Zone, then each to their own.

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  3. JasmineKyleSings says:

    I am SO glad I am I am married! I wish I would have read this when I was in High School I got Friend Zoned MUCH to often!

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  4. Nandi says:

    🙂

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  5. Tebogo says:

    Her (in tears): Thabo is such a jerk. He stood me up AGAIN. I’ve had it with him.

    You: It’s okay. I’m sure Thabo couldn’t make it. Not all men are jerks. Some of us never stand girls up.

    Her: You always know how to cheer me up. Plus how could I leave Thabo? The sex is so Oh My God!!!

    You: Yeah true that. Can’t leave that good loving (ignore that shrivelling sound…that’s just your manhood dying a little)

    Hahahaha! My word, even guys who have been fed love potions (korobela) on regular basis in high quantity won’t stand for this, iyo! iyo! iyo! That’s one brave man, one brave tough bloke!

    This is one thing I really don’t get about some women, honestly. Why do they think a man would appreciate hearing about other men and their capabilities from a woman? Or are they aware that no man actually appreciates it, so they just trying to achieve something (only known to them) by doing it?
    I’d rather see my ex getting married to another man, rather than have a woman telling me how good another man is in bed, at least if I actually do feel hurt for whatever reason, it will be in the past, rather than hearing that shriveling sound of my manhood dying a little. Any man who sticks around beyond this point, deserves more than a Bells, he displayed strength of superior quality, he sacrificed his manhood! I just hope whatever he wants to achieve will be worth the torture, because most of the times men make greatest sacrifices where they are actually not appreciated. FriendZone, nice one!!! 

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  6. […] 3) 7 Stages of the Friend Zone Cycle […]

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  7. Steve Jones says:

    Grey text on grey background, almost invisible. DID NOT READ. And so original too…

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  8. Hahaha,I don’t think any guy wud wait ten years to date one single person,there is just too many girls in this world for such things to happen,and guys nowadays are just too horny for that to happen🙂

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  9. moses says:

    hahahahahahaha.Dead.lmao

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