Draw up a relationship will…in case your relationship dies.

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My ex used to have this habit that annoyed me at the time but, in hindsight, I kind of understand where she was coming from. Basically, whenever we were on holiday, we would take a photo together right? Then she would ask me to take a photo of her on her own i.e. same photo we just took but without me in it. Why? “In case we split up” she would reply rather candidly.

I remember tweeting this some time back and a lot of people thought it was weird and quite pessimistic. Like I said, it annoyed me too but now I get it. I mean, I have so many awesome photos of various holidays we took together but I can’t post them anywhere because my ex is in so many of them. She on the other hand has lots of photos without me in them. She can gladly post them wherever she wants without having to answer to her new partner(s). You see, she wasn’t willing the breakup, she was just preparing for it…in case it happened…which it did.

We always prepare ourselves for possible negative outcomes in our lives. We have car insurance in case of an accident or theft of our vehicles, home insurance in case of break in’s, immunisations in case of illness, wills in case of death…why then do we not prepare for breakups? I mean, if you understand the importance of preparing a will in case of your death, why not also prepare a will for your relationship? Yes, a will in case your relationship dies.

Have you ever been to a divorce court? I have. I’ve been thrice actually, as a mere spectator I should add. It’s not a pretty sight at times. If you ever have some time to spare, go to your nearest divorce court and spectate. You will not believe some of those couples ever loved each other. And yet, I’m sure if you go back a few years in their lives, you’ll find they were madly in love; the “I can’t live without you…here take my kidney” type of love. And now it’s all court orders, visitation rights, and alimony.

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I genuinely think a ‘relationship will’ is a great idea especially whilst you are still in love and have each other’s best interests at heart. Decide now how you will handle the children, the property, the finances, etc should you ever divorce/break up. Decide how you will discuss any issues regarding the welfare of the children. Discuss how you will handle the presence of your new partners especially in respect of your children, assets, communication, etc. Once you are happy with everything, sit down with your lawyers and iron out all the nitty gritties till you and your partner are happy.

It may all seem awkward now but best believe it’s a million times easier now than when you despise each other and are going through a nasty breakup/divorce. And no, preparing for a possible breakup does not mean you are willing the breakup to happen…just like having car insurance does not mean you are willing your car to be stolen and/or damaged. You’re just preparing….just in case.

**** Just scribbling my thoughts…just in case ****

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Know the age of consent…Better safe than statutory.

The news of Kwaito artist Sipho “Brickz” Ndlovu’s arrest for rape has reignited an always contentious debate on twitter; that of statutory rape. I know you didn’t ask for my two cents but I’m going to give it to you anyway, because I’m nice like that…and I have FOMO (that’s a Fear Of Missing Out…for the not so cool kids among us).

Whenever there’s a statutory rape case in the headlines, a war erupts between two schools of thought i.e. the “rape is rape” faction and their frenemies, the “it’s a different type of rape” faction. So I guess this begs the question, are there different types of rape OR is rape just that, RAPE?

In MY opinion, there are different types of rape….SAY WHAT??? Yeah, I said it. There are different types of rape. I don’t know their precise scientific names so I’ll make some up for the purposes of this post.

1. Forcible rape:

This category of rape is usually typified by the use of force and the rapist’s desire to hurt, humiliate, defile, and strip their victim of all dignity. It is illegal in every civilised society and encompasses such vile acts as gang rape, anger rape, sadistic rape, prison rape, corrective rape, etc.

2. Relationship rape:

This is rape between individuals in a relationship specifically in those times when one party isn’t in the mood for sex. For example, you come home tired and your partner wants to have sex. You’re not particularly in the mood but you do it anyway. There isn’t obvious force involved in relationship rape. Instead it may be replaced with “charm”, a “sense of duty”, a “okay, why not” type of feeling, etc.

3. Incontrovertible statutory rape:

This is a heinous transgression where an adult takes sexual advantage of a minor. The adult explicitly knows the minor is indeed a minor and uses either force or manipulation to sexually abuse the minor. Cases of a teacher and student having a sexual relationship fall under this category because the teacher is unambiguously aware that the student is a minor. Oh, for those who care, this is the category in which Brickz’s case falls. He best call Oscar Pistorius for some good lawyers’ numbers.

4. Moot Statutory rape:

I call this one “moot” statutory rape because it is this rape that causes all sorts of controversial debate. I’ll give you an example. You meet a girl in a club. It’s a “No Under 21’s” club. You share conversation, a few drinks and dances, and eventually end up back at your place. One thing leads to another and at about 10am the following morning, the police turn up at your door with an arrest warrant. Guess what? The lovely young lady you met last night was actually a lovely “very young” lady. She was 15.

You see, its situations like this where it becomes a bit grey for me. I find it hard to brand the guy in this example a rapist. Surely there are other factors to consider. For instance, “Did he know she was 15?”…“Did her coerce her to go home with him?”…”Did she consent to sex?”….”Does he have a history of sexual assault?”…etc. If the answer to all these questions is a genuine NO, is that not relevant? She was in a “No Under 21’s” night club, is it not reasonable to assume she was over 21? I mean, it’s not like she was in the club with her school uniform on, with her birth certificate in hand. Furthermore, I really think 15 year olds today are a little different from the 15 year olds of 30 years ago. Back then it was much easier to tell if someone was 15. Today, it’s not always as easy.

Some might reasonably argue that the categorisation of rape opens up various loopholes for perpetrators. This may be true but blanket laws that disregard the situational facts and instead lock up “innocent” individuals are not the solution either. I guess, as Oliver Holmes once said, “This is a court of law young man, not a court of justice.” That’s right, the law and justice are two different things.

When all’s said and done, the law is the law and must be obeyed as such. If you buy stolen goods, you are breaking the law whether or not you know they are stolen. If you have sex with a minor, you are breaking the law whether or not you know they are a minor. So probably best just asking her for some ID before offering her some D. Better safe than statutory.

*just scribbling my moot thoughts*

Ps: this post has been written in a lighthearted manner not because this is a jocular or blithe subject but simply because it is the nature of this blog to discuss serious issues in a lighthearted manner. It makes those issues more accessible to people and may thus (hopefully) lead to more open and much needed discussion on these matters. We don’t have enough open and honest discourse about rape because it is a sensitive subject that gets very emotionally charged, very quickly. Let’s talk about it not fight about it. Otherwise we all lose.

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Relationship boundaries….don’t cross ‘em.

Things not to say

I’m not really sure at what point one becomes an expert at giving relationship advice. But seeing as all my single friends are always dishing it out, clearly it can’t be that hard. Right? With that in mind, I thought I’d share some relationship advice for those of you out there who are in the honeymoon stages of your relationship. Awwww, the honeymoon stage. Treasure it. It only goes south from there.

What I’ve found over the years is that relationships get a bit iffy when the parties involved begin to get too cosy with each other. I mean, for some of us, once we get that partner we’ve be searching for, all effort immediately stops. Who needs to shower…if they’ve found the love of their life right? Irrefutable logic I tell you.

But in actuality, that effort you put in when you were single, you should keep at least 70% of it when you’re in a relationship. You know why? Because every other single person out there is keeping their effort levels at 100%…even as yours fall every day. And it’s only a matter of time before their 100% catches your partner’s eye.

So, because I’m nice (and have some time to kill), here are 10 things you should never (or at least try not to) do in a relationship:

1. Don’t poo in front of each other – for centuries, co-pooing has been used as a yardstick to gauge how comfortable you are with each other in a relationship. Some people think it brings them closer….uhm, yes…closer to BREAKING UP! How am I supposed to look at your ass all sexy when I know it just unleashed a weapon of mass destruction?

2. Birth vag – now, having a kid will be one of the best things you and your loving partner get to do….seeing the process on the other hand, can be the single most traumatic experience of your life. You thought an elastic band could stretch? Allow me to introduce you to a vagina during birth…ELASTICCCCCCCC!!!!!

3. Period sex – rumour has it women get really hormonal during their period; that if you let her, she’ll rock your world…uhm, don’t let her. Believe me, it’s better to have your world not rocked than blood and flesh-stained sheets, penis, hands, everything. Unless you’re a vampire who likes their juice with bits, I suggest you just cuddle for those few days of the month, PERIOD!

4. Picking your nose – You know those times when you really go in deep into that nose of yours? You go in there with that index finger, mix up that snot and dry booger combo, and scoop it out. Look at it and give yourself a nod of approval….yeah, I don’t wanna see you do that. It’s about as sexy as a goat in a thong (I’m being sarcastic of course….unless you’re into bestiality…at which point you’re probably drooling at the thought of a goat in a thong)

5. Talking about your ex – I know everyone wants a relationship where you’re comfortable with each other and can talk about anything….well, don’t let that include your ex. I really don’t want to hear stuff like “if my ex did it, why can’t you?”, “he was the funniest guy ever” or how your nickname for him in the bedroom was “Django Unchained”

6. Size – Speaking of Django Unchained…don’t tell your man “size doesn’t matter”. Everybody knows it does. That “size doesn’t matter” story is just a porky created by caring women who didn’t want to crush our little wiener souls. Speaking of size, did you know a woman’s vagina increases about 200% in size when she’s aroused? Yep fellas, size matters.

7. It can weight – If your partner fell for a lusciously orbicular body, then they probably adore your love handles. Keep them if you like. If, on the other hand, they fell for your slim and slender physique, then try and leave those doughnut sales alone…they can weight.

8. Pimple popping parties – Everyone loves some booty popping right? Pimple popping? Not so much. We all have pimples now and again (and again, and again) but asking your partner to pop it for you (the pimples I mean, not the booty)….uhm, no. Especially if you can reach it yourself. If I have to touch your pus, I’m giving you a pass.

9. Entrapment – Don’t constantly ask me if I think your friend is cute. “Do you think Melissa is hot? It’s fine, you can tell me. I won’t mind, she’s my friend. I promise not to freak out”….I think the police call that entrapment.

10. Your mama a hoe – Wait…WHAT??!! It’s normal for moms and daughters in law (especially prospective ones) to not always get along. But don’t tell me that you hate my mum. I know my mama is a bit (a lot) loony and unhinged, but hey, that’s my mom!

*just scribbling my relationship thoughts*

ps: I’m sure some of you break every single one of these “rules” and your relationships are still awesome. Moral of the story is, do you. Long as you’re happy, you’re winning!

If I was a woman…

Women supporting women

Today is National Women’s Day here in South Africa; a day through which we honour the women who, in 1956, marched to petition against discriminatory apartheid legislation regarding the movement of Black people. On this day, we celebrate women.

As I woke up today, I, for the first time, really thought about what it would be like to be a woman…from birth, through life, and to death:

If I was a woman….

If I was born a woman, I may not have gone to the schools I went to. In fact, I may not have gone to school at all. Many families still raise their daughters differently from the way they raise their sons. In those families, my brothers would have had way better lives and opportunities than me.

If I was a woman, harassment in the streets by men is something I would have to suffer almost daily. From wolf-whistles and slaps on my backside, to pulling up my skirt, insults or even beatings for my choice of clothing.

If I was a woman, I would be more likely to be raped than learn how to read. After all, in South Africa, a woman is raped every four minutes.

If I was a woman, I may be dishonoured by my family for getting pregnant out of wedlock. Oh and whilst on the subject of marriage, I would probably be labelled a whore, bitter bitch, or directionless loser for not wanting to get married.

Still on marriage, in some countries I would have acid thrown in my face or have my genitals mutilated because I didn’t accept a marriage proposal arranged by my family to some man I have never met; a man probably older than my father.

And if I was married, there would a 33% chance (higher in other countries) that I would be a victim of domestic violence at the hands of my spouse.

Forget marriage, in some parts of the world, I would just be sold for money. After all, women and girls make up 80% of those trafficked for sex and slave labour.

If I was ever pregnant, in some families, I would be killed for not giving birth to a boy. If I’m one of those fortunate enough to be allowed to give birth and keep my child, there is a high chance I would be a single mum, what with so many men abandoning their children.

If I was a woman, I may be passed up for promotions at work simply because I’m a woman. I’d realise the glass ceiling was actually a solid lead opaque ceiling.

If I was a woman, political participation and economic empowerment would always be conveniently (for men) out of my reach. Sexist jokes, chauvinistic comments, gender based salary gaps; all of these would be daily obstacles for me.

If I was a woman, the so called “economy of care” would expect me to look after the children, the elderly, the husband, the home. When men are dedicated to their jobs, they are respected, but if I, as a woman, did the same thing, I’m a bad mother and/or selfish wife.

If I was a woman, in some parts of the world, I wouldn’t be allowed to drive a car, wear a pair of trousers, or even leave the house without a male companion.

If I was a woman, in some parts of the world, at the funeral of my spouse, I would be forced to drink water which has been used to wash his dead body. Others would jeer me, push me around, or even beat me if I failed to cry for him loud enough or for long enough.

If I was a woman, in some parts of the world, you wouldn’t be allowed to cry for me when I die. After all, I’m just a woman right?

*just scribbling my thoughts*

ps: We all have a duty to protect women. Especially us men; we need to protect women from us. Because everything I’ve written in this post is all a result of ancient patriarchal establishments that continue to destroy our societies today. It must stop now.

A great response to the “homosexuality is an abomination to God” argument

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by an east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

The difference between a wife and a girlfriend

bill-clinton-meme-girlfriend-fat

 

Someone came up with a great analogy to explain the difference between a wife and a girlfriend (side chick). I liked it so thought I’d share it with you guys. I’ve changed a few things of course, but here you go:

 

A wife is like a TV whilst a girlfriend is like a Mobile Phone.

At home you watch TV but when you go out you take your Mobile phone.

If you got no money, you sell your TV but when you do have money, you change/recharge your Mobile phone.

Sometimes you enjoy TV but most of the time you play with your Mobile phone.

TV is free for life whereas, if you don’t pay, your Mobile phone services will be terminated.

A TV is big, bulky, and, most of the time, old whereas a Mobile phone is cute, slim, curvy, and very portable at any time.

Operational costs for a TV are often acceptable while those of a Mobile phone are high and often demanding

A TV has a remote control unit and, as you know, a Mobile phone doesn’t.

A Mobile phone is two way communication (i.e. talk and listen) whereas with a TV, you only get to listen to it. There’s nothing two-way about it.

Last but not least…TVs don’t have viruses, but Mobile phones, yes, they do…a lot!

 

So please folks, take care of your TVs. *just scribbling someone else’s thoughts*