Draw up a relationship will…in case your relationship dies.

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My ex used to have this habit that annoyed me at the time but, in hindsight, I kind of understand where she was coming from. Basically, whenever we were on holiday, we would take a photo together right? Then she would ask me to take a photo of her on her own i.e. same photo we just took but without me in it. Why? “In case we split up” she would reply rather candidly.

I remember tweeting this some time back and a lot of people thought it was weird and quite pessimistic. Like I said, it annoyed me too but now I get it. I mean, I have so many awesome photos of various holidays we took together but I can’t post them anywhere because my ex is in so many of them. She on the other hand has lots of photos without me in them. She can gladly post them wherever she wants without having to answer to her new partner(s). You see, she wasn’t willing the breakup, she was just preparing for it…in case it happened…which it did.

We always prepare ourselves for possible negative outcomes in our lives. We have car insurance in case of an accident or theft of our vehicles, home insurance in case of break in’s, immunisations in case of illness, wills in case of death…why then do we not prepare for breakups? I mean, if you understand the importance of preparing a will in case of your death, why not also prepare a will for your relationship? Yes, a will in case your relationship dies.

Have you ever been to a divorce court? I have. I’ve been thrice actually, as a mere spectator I should add. It’s not a pretty sight at times. If you ever have some time to spare, go to your nearest divorce court and spectate. You will not believe some of those couples ever loved each other. And yet, I’m sure if you go back a few years in their lives, you’ll find they were madly in love; the “I can’t live without you…here take my kidney” type of love. And now it’s all court orders, visitation rights, and alimony.

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I genuinely think a ‘relationship will’ is a great idea especially whilst you are still in love and have each other’s best interests at heart. Decide now how you will handle the children, the property, the finances, etc should you ever divorce/break up. Decide how you will discuss any issues regarding the welfare of the children. Discuss how you will handle the presence of your new partners especially in respect of your children, assets, communication, etc. Once you are happy with everything, sit down with your lawyers and iron out all the nitty gritties till you and your partner are happy.

It may all seem awkward now but best believe it’s a million times easier now than when you despise each other and are going through a nasty breakup/divorce. And no, preparing for a possible breakup does not mean you are willing the breakup to happen…just like having car insurance does not mean you are willing your car to be stolen and/or damaged. You’re just preparing….just in case.

**** Just scribbling my thoughts…just in case ****

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Know the age of consent…Better safe than statutory.

The news of Kwaito artist Sipho “Brickz” Ndlovu’s arrest for rape has reignited an always contentious debate on twitter; that of statutory rape. I know you didn’t ask for my two cents but I’m going to give it to you anyway, because I’m nice like that…and I have FOMO (that’s a Fear Of Missing Out…for the not so cool kids among us).

Whenever there’s a statutory rape case in the headlines, a war erupts between two schools of thought i.e. the “rape is rape” faction and their frenemies, the “it’s a different type of rape” faction. So I guess this begs the question, are there different types of rape OR is rape just that, RAPE?

In MY opinion, there are different types of rape….SAY WHAT??? Yeah, I said it. There are different types of rape. I don’t know their precise scientific names so I’ll make some up for the purposes of this post.

1. Forcible rape:

This category of rape is usually typified by the use of force and the rapist’s desire to hurt, humiliate, defile, and strip their victim of all dignity. It is illegal in every civilised society and encompasses such vile acts as gang rape, anger rape, sadistic rape, prison rape, corrective rape, etc.

2. Relationship rape:

This is rape between individuals in a relationship specifically in those times when one party isn’t in the mood for sex. For example, you come home tired and your partner wants to have sex. You’re not particularly in the mood but you do it anyway. There isn’t obvious force involved in relationship rape. Instead it may be replaced with “charm”, a “sense of duty”, a “okay, why not” type of feeling, etc.

3. Incontrovertible statutory rape:

This is a heinous transgression where an adult takes sexual advantage of a minor. The adult explicitly knows the minor is indeed a minor and uses either force or manipulation to sexually abuse the minor. Cases of a teacher and student having a sexual relationship fall under this category because the teacher is unambiguously aware that the student is a minor. Oh, for those who care, this is the category in which Brickz’s case falls. He best call Oscar Pistorius for some good lawyers’ numbers.

4. Moot Statutory rape:

I call this one “moot” statutory rape because it is this rape that causes all sorts of controversial debate. I’ll give you an example. You meet a girl in a club. It’s a “No Under 21’s” club. You share conversation, a few drinks and dances, and eventually end up back at your place. One thing leads to another and at about 10am the following morning, the police turn up at your door with an arrest warrant. Guess what? The lovely young lady you met last night was actually a lovely “very young” lady. She was 15.

You see, its situations like this where it becomes a bit grey for me. I find it hard to brand the guy in this example a rapist. Surely there are other factors to consider. For instance, “Did he know she was 15?”…“Did her coerce her to go home with him?”…”Did she consent to sex?”….”Does he have a history of sexual assault?”…etc. If the answer to all these questions is a genuine NO, is that not relevant? She was in a “No Under 21’s” night club, is it not reasonable to assume she was over 21? I mean, it’s not like she was in the club with her school uniform on, with her birth certificate in hand. Furthermore, I really think 15 year olds today are a little different from the 15 year olds of 30 years ago. Back then it was much easier to tell if someone was 15. Today, it’s not always as easy.

Some might reasonably argue that the categorisation of rape opens up various loopholes for perpetrators. This may be true but blanket laws that disregard the situational facts and instead lock up “innocent” individuals are not the solution either. I guess, as Oliver Holmes once said, “This is a court of law young man, not a court of justice.” That’s right, the law and justice are two different things.

When all’s said and done, the law is the law and must be obeyed as such. If you buy stolen goods, you are breaking the law whether or not you know they are stolen. If you have sex with a minor, you are breaking the law whether or not you know they are a minor. So probably best just asking her for some ID before offering her some D. Better safe than statutory.

*just scribbling my moot thoughts*

Ps: this post has been written in a lighthearted manner not because this is a jocular or blithe subject but simply because it is the nature of this blog to discuss serious issues in a lighthearted manner. It makes those issues more accessible to people and may thus (hopefully) lead to more open and much needed discussion on these matters. We don’t have enough open and honest discourse about rape because it is a sensitive subject that gets very emotionally charged, very quickly. Let’s talk about it not fight about it. Otherwise we all lose.

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Relationship boundaries….don’t cross ‘em.

Things not to say

I’m not really sure at what point one becomes an expert at giving relationship advice. But seeing as all my single friends are always dishing it out, clearly it can’t be that hard. Right? With that in mind, I thought I’d share some relationship advice for those of you out there who are in the honeymoon stages of your relationship. Awwww, the honeymoon stage. Treasure it. It only goes south from there.

What I’ve found over the years is that relationships get a bit iffy when the parties involved begin to get too cosy with each other. I mean, for some of us, once we get that partner we’ve be searching for, all effort immediately stops. Who needs to shower…if they’ve found the love of their life right? Irrefutable logic I tell you.

But in actuality, that effort you put in when you were single, you should keep at least 70% of it when you’re in a relationship. You know why? Because every other single person out there is keeping their effort levels at 100%…even as yours fall every day. And it’s only a matter of time before their 100% catches your partner’s eye.

So, because I’m nice (and have some time to kill), here are 10 things you should never (or at least try not to) do in a relationship:

1. Don’t poo in front of each other – for centuries, co-pooing has been used as a yardstick to gauge how comfortable you are with each other in a relationship. Some people think it brings them closer….uhm, yes…closer to BREAKING UP! How am I supposed to look at your ass all sexy when I know it just unleashed a weapon of mass destruction?

2. Birth vag – now, having a kid will be one of the best things you and your loving partner get to do….seeing the process on the other hand, can be the single most traumatic experience of your life. You thought an elastic band could stretch? Allow me to introduce you to a vagina during birth…ELASTICCCCCCCC!!!!!

3. Period sex – rumour has it women get really hormonal during their period; that if you let her, she’ll rock your world…uhm, don’t let her. Believe me, it’s better to have your world not rocked than blood and flesh-stained sheets, penis, hands, everything. Unless you’re a vampire who likes their juice with bits, I suggest you just cuddle for those few days of the month, PERIOD!

4. Picking your nose – You know those times when you really go in deep into that nose of yours? You go in there with that index finger, mix up that snot and dry booger combo, and scoop it out. Look at it and give yourself a nod of approval….yeah, I don’t wanna see you do that. It’s about as sexy as a goat in a thong (I’m being sarcastic of course….unless you’re into bestiality…at which point you’re probably drooling at the thought of a goat in a thong)

5. Talking about your ex – I know everyone wants a relationship where you’re comfortable with each other and can talk about anything….well, don’t let that include your ex. I really don’t want to hear stuff like “if my ex did it, why can’t you?”, “he was the funniest guy ever” or how your nickname for him in the bedroom was “Django Unchained”

6. Size – Speaking of Django Unchained…don’t tell your man “size doesn’t matter”. Everybody knows it does. That “size doesn’t matter” story is just a porky created by caring women who didn’t want to crush our little wiener souls. Speaking of size, did you know a woman’s vagina increases about 200% in size when she’s aroused? Yep fellas, size matters.

7. It can weight – If your partner fell for a lusciously orbicular body, then they probably adore your love handles. Keep them if you like. If, on the other hand, they fell for your slim and slender physique, then try and leave those doughnut sales alone…they can weight.

8. Pimple popping parties – Everyone loves some booty popping right? Pimple popping? Not so much. We all have pimples now and again (and again, and again) but asking your partner to pop it for you (the pimples I mean, not the booty)….uhm, no. Especially if you can reach it yourself. If I have to touch your pus, I’m giving you a pass.

9. Entrapment – Don’t constantly ask me if I think your friend is cute. “Do you think Melissa is hot? It’s fine, you can tell me. I won’t mind, she’s my friend. I promise not to freak out”….I think the police call that entrapment.

10. Your mama a hoe – Wait…WHAT??!! It’s normal for moms and daughters in law (especially prospective ones) to not always get along. But don’t tell me that you hate my mum. I know my mama is a bit (a lot) loony and unhinged, but hey, that’s my mom!

*just scribbling my relationship thoughts*

ps: I’m sure some of you break every single one of these “rules” and your relationships are still awesome. Moral of the story is, do you. Long as you’re happy, you’re winning!

I did have sexual relations with that woman….so what?

“I did have sexual relations with that woman….so what?”

For those of you who don’t know who Zwelinzima Vavi is, he’s the General Secretary of COSATU i.e. the Congress of South African Trade Unions. Yes, Mr Vavi is pretty much the “B. A. Baracus” of South Africa’s Unions. The past couple of weeks, Comrade Vavi has been in the news for a different type of union though….a sex scandal. Married with children, Mr Vavi has admitted to having sex with the woman in question but denied raping her…which is what the woman had initially alleged.

Extra marital sex scandals are nothing new in the global political arena. Every country has its share of horny politicians. The difference though, lies in the ramifications of such adulterous engagements. You see, out in the world these “ramifications” usually involve resignations or straight up sackings…not so much on the African continent. We do things a little different. Let me give you some examples:

In the United States (US), Bill Clinton got some head from White House intern Monica Lewinsky, who I’m guessing was just trying to get “a-head” (pun totally intended). The scandal eventually led to his impeachment by the House for perjury. Meanwhile in South Africa (SA), Jacob Zuma was accused of rape and conceded during his trial in 2005 that he’d had extramarital sex with the woman in question. He refused to quit his political career in the wake of the sex scandal and instead went on to realise his dream of becoming the president of SA, a job he continues to enjoy today.

Still in the US, highly decorated army man David Petraeus had to resign as the Director of the CIA after an FBI investigation uncovered that he had an extramarital affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell. (If the Director if the CIA can’t keep an affair under wraps, what chance do us mere mortals have?). In SA however, Sports Minister Fikile “Fiks” Mbalula had to apologise to his wife after the lid was lifted on his sexual relationship with Johannesburg model, Joyce Molamu. Fiks actually knocked up Molamu then gave her R10,000 (about US$1,000) for an abortion. Fiks is still the Minister of Sport today.

In Holland, Jack de Vries, the Secretary for Defence, resigned after admitting to an extramarital affair with his personal aide. In Zimbabwe, Lieutenant Colonel Boniface (real name) Guwa Chidyausiku was being dragged through the courts by his wife Evelyn who was accusing him of adultery and violent abuse. Boniface is currently enjoying his role as Zimbabwe’s Ambassador to the Russian Federation.

Over to Scotland, Tommy Sheridan, a member of the Scottish Parliament resigned as convener of the Scottish Socialist Party (SSP) after news he had committed adultery came to light. In Nigeria meanwhile, Ahmad Sani Yerima, a 53 year old Senator for Zamfara West, was alleged to have married a 13-year-old child bride from Egypt. This was after he had previously been accused of marrying a 15-year-old child bride five years earlier. In addition to currently being a senator, he’s also a Deputy Minority Leader in the Senate. In fact, when quizzed about his child bride shenanigans, his response was: “Ask me again why I support early marriage and I will slap the Jinn out of your head”. Yikes.

Remember Anthony Weiner? In what became known as “Weinergate”, the newly married US Congressman resigned after admitting to sending sexually suggestive photos of himself to several women through his Twitter account. Back on the continent, MDC leader Morgan Tsvangirai (who has just had his political ass whooped by President R.G. Mugabe in Zimbabwe’s presidential elections) has a love life more confused than a chameleon in a bag of skittles.

Even in China, Lei Zhengfu was sacked from his position as Chongqing Beibei District Party’s Secretary a few days after a sex tape with him in action went viral online. In Malawi, Ken Kandodo, who was Minister of Defence at the time, allegedly collapsed after taking too many Viagra pills to “keep up” with his teenage secondary school girlfriend during a marathon sex session. Didn’t even consider resigning over the matter.

So, back to present day, will Mr Zvelinzima Vavi resign over his extra-marital affair? Honestly? Probably not. But I guess a more pertinent question is: should he resign? Is adultery enough to justify dismissal from office? Or is infidelity a personal matter that has nothing to do with your capabilities at work? What do you think?

*just scribbling my adulterous thoughts*

Dating Foreigners: What to expect

Intercultural

 

 

So I just learned my mate, a South African, last night got engaged to his girlfriend, a lovely Congolese lady. It got me thinking about the number of inter-cultural/racial/tribal/religion unions taking place nowadays. Taboo in years gone by, relationships with people from other ethnicities are now commonplace, thankfully.

 

Naturally, there any numerous negative stereotypes floating about as society pigeonholes those different from us. But hey, there are also loads of positive stereotypes that would entice one to date past international barriers. Stereotypes like “Zimbabweans are well endowed up stairs” or “Nigerians are well endowed downstairs”. 🙂

 

So to get you started on your cross-border love adventure, here are a few things to expect when dating a foreigner.

1. Language barrier – It’s all well and good when you’re together speaking in, say, English but when he’s with his mates/family, expect to hear a lot of this: “jibajaba, jabajiba, jibijibi, jabajaba…you okay sweety?”.

2. Culture shock – This is probably the best thing about picking a partner from a foreign pool. You think you’re the love of his life? Well guess what, his culture allows him to have multiple “loves of his life”. And may I remind you, polygamy is nothing like the ménage à trois you see on TV.

3. Deportation – Every time you go your separate ways, kiss him like you’ll never see him again…coz that might just be the case. For many immigrants, one minute you’re out shopping, next you’re in an immigration detention centre having a deportation farewell party.

4. Nuptials – While your friends may be struggling to find guys willing to pop the question, you won’t have to worry about that. Your immigrant boyfriend will be happy to marry you TODAY! Gotta get them papers fam.

5. Driving – You better get your chauffeur game on coz your immigrant hunk may not be able to get a local Driver’s Licence courtesy of his alien status.

6. Bambinos! – Oh, snap, he didn’t tell you he had kids…and a wife…back home? Forgive him, must have slipped his mind. After all, they are in another country. Out of sight, out of wedlock right?

7. Background checks – So you Googled his name, Peter Jones, and nothing came up? Not to worry, try Odawali Mutloto…that’s his birth name; the one he used before you met him. Oh, he forgot to mention that too? Ooops.

8. The Fuzz – Anytime your man sees the police, expect to hear this: “Oh shit. Lord please don’t let them stop us”…that’s coz, your man has no papers.

9. Romantic getaways – Speaking of papers, don’t expect any romantic international getaways for Valentine’s day. Your man can’t risk leaving the country. He may never be able to sneak back in.

10. Xenophobia – Now, we all know xenophobic/racist comments are everywhere right? So expect to hear some xenophobic commentary aimed at your man & his countrymen. Stuff like “Damn, those Nigerians are fraudsters” O_o. Yeah girl, they talking ’bout your boo.

11. The Parents – Don’t worry if your parents hate your man…his folks are probably always asking him why he can’t find a nice, well-mannered girl who’s…well, who’s not you.

 

12. Home Sweet Home (Affairs) – Yep, you’re going to spend more time at Home Affairs than you even knew was possible; filling in more forms than an insurance salesman. [Oh, Home Affairs is the “Home Office” for our UK friends or the “Immigration and Naturalization Service” for our American contingent.]

Jokes aside, dating someone of a differing nationality, race, tribe, or religion has its challenges but it’s also quite exciting. For comedic value, most of my “tips” of an expat are of an illegal immigrant. That’s obviously not always the case. Many are legal and in dating or befriending them, you can learn so much and experience diverse cultures and their congenial idiosyncrasies. So go ahead, embrace the other side.

*just scribbling my expat thoughts*

A great response to the “homosexuality is an abomination to God” argument

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by an east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

The difference between a wife and a girlfriend

bill-clinton-meme-girlfriend-fat

 

Someone came up with a great analogy to explain the difference between a wife and a girlfriend (side chick). I liked it so thought I’d share it with you guys. I’ve changed a few things of course, but here you go:

 

A wife is like a TV whilst a girlfriend is like a Mobile Phone.

At home you watch TV but when you go out you take your Mobile phone.

If you got no money, you sell your TV but when you do have money, you change/recharge your Mobile phone.

Sometimes you enjoy TV but most of the time you play with your Mobile phone.

TV is free for life whereas, if you don’t pay, your Mobile phone services will be terminated.

A TV is big, bulky, and, most of the time, old whereas a Mobile phone is cute, slim, curvy, and very portable at any time.

Operational costs for a TV are often acceptable while those of a Mobile phone are high and often demanding

A TV has a remote control unit and, as you know, a Mobile phone doesn’t.

A Mobile phone is two way communication (i.e. talk and listen) whereas with a TV, you only get to listen to it. There’s nothing two-way about it.

Last but not least…TVs don’t have viruses, but Mobile phones, yes, they do…a lot!

 

So please folks, take care of your TVs. *just scribbling someone else’s thoughts*