I’m not really sure at what point one becomes an expert at giving relationship advice. But seeing as all my single friends are always dishing it out, clearly it can’t be that hard. Right? With that in mind, I thought I’d share some relationship advice for those of you out there who are in the honeymoon stages of your relationship. Awwww, the honeymoon stage. Treasure it. It only goes south from there.
What I’ve found over the years is that relationships get a bit iffy when the parties involved begin to get too cosy with each other. I mean, for some of us, once we get that partner we’ve be searching for, all effort immediately stops. Who needs to shower…if they’ve found the love of their life right? Irrefutable logic I tell you.
But in actuality, that effort you put in when you were single, you should keep at least 70% of it when you’re in a relationship. You know why? Because every other single person out there is keeping their effort levels at 100%…even as yours fall every day. And it’s only a matter of time before their 100% catches your partner’s eye.
So, because I’m nice (and have some time to kill), here are 10 things you should never (or at least try not to) do in a relationship:
1. Don’t poo in front of each other – for centuries, co-pooing has been used as a yardstick to gauge how comfortable you are with each other in a relationship. Some people think it brings them closer….uhm, yes…closer to BREAKING UP! How am I supposed to look at your ass all sexy when I know it just unleashed a weapon of mass destruction?
2. Birth vag – now, having a kid will be one of the best things you and your loving partner get to do….seeing the process on the other hand, can be the single most traumatic experience of your life. You thought an elastic band could stretch? Allow me to introduce you to a vagina during birth…ELASTICCCCCCCC!!!!!
3. Period sex – rumour has it women get really hormonal during their period; that if you let her, she’ll rock your world…uhm, don’t let her. Believe me, it’s better to have your world not rocked than blood and flesh-stained sheets, penis, hands, everything. Unless you’re a vampire who likes their juice with bits, I suggest you just cuddle for those few days of the month, PERIOD!
4. Picking your nose – You know those times when you really go in deep into that nose of yours? You go in there with that index finger, mix up that snot and dry booger combo, and scoop it out. Look at it and give yourself a nod of approval….yeah, I don’t wanna see you do that. It’s about as sexy as a goat in a thong (I’m being sarcastic of course….unless you’re into bestiality…at which point you’re probably drooling at the thought of a goat in a thong)
5. Talking about your ex – I know everyone wants a relationship where you’re comfortable with each other and can talk about anything….well, don’t let that include your ex. I really don’t want to hear stuff like “if my ex did it, why can’t you?”, “he was the funniest guy ever” or how your nickname for him in the bedroom was “Django Unchained”
6. Size – Speaking of Django Unchained…don’t tell your man “size doesn’t matter”. Everybody knows it does. That “size doesn’t matter” story is just a porky created by caring women who didn’t want to crush our little wiener souls. Speaking of size, did you know a woman’s vagina increases about 200% in size when she’s aroused? Yep fellas, size matters.
7. It can weight – If your partner fell for a lusciously orbicular body, then they probably adore your love handles. Keep them if you like. If, on the other hand, they fell for your slim and slender physique, then try and leave those doughnut sales alone…they can weight.
8. Pimple popping parties – Everyone loves some booty popping right? Pimple popping? Not so much. We all have pimples now and again (and again, and again) but asking your partner to pop it for you (the pimples I mean, not the booty)….uhm, no. Especially if you can reach it yourself. If I have to touch your pus, I’m giving you a pass.
9. Entrapment – Don’t constantly ask me if I think your friend is cute. “Do you think Melissa is hot? It’s fine, you can tell me. I won’t mind, she’s my friend. I promise not to freak out”….I think the police call that entrapment.
10. Your mama a hoe – Wait…WHAT??!! It’s normal for moms and daughters in law (especially prospective ones) to not always get along. But don’t tell me that you hate my mum. I know my mama is a bit (a lot) loony and unhinged, but hey, that’s my mom!
*just scribbling my relationship thoughts*
ps: I’m sure some of you break every single one of these “rules” and your relationships are still awesome. Moral of the story is, do you. Long as you’re happy, you’re winning!