Draw up a relationship will…in case your relationship dies.

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My ex used to have this habit that annoyed me at the time but, in hindsight, I kind of understand where she was coming from. Basically, whenever we were on holiday, we would take a photo together right? Then she would ask me to take a photo of her on her own i.e. same photo we just took but without me in it. Why? “In case we split up” she would reply rather candidly.

I remember tweeting this some time back and a lot of people thought it was weird and quite pessimistic. Like I said, it annoyed me too but now I get it. I mean, I have so many awesome photos of various holidays we took together but I can’t post them anywhere because my ex is in so many of them. She on the other hand has lots of photos without me in them. She can gladly post them wherever she wants without having to answer to her new partner(s). You see, she wasn’t willing the breakup, she was just preparing for it…in case it happened…which it did.

We always prepare ourselves for possible negative outcomes in our lives. We have car insurance in case of an accident or theft of our vehicles, home insurance in case of break in’s, immunisations in case of illness, wills in case of death…why then do we not prepare for breakups? I mean, if you understand the importance of preparing a will in case of your death, why not also prepare a will for your relationship? Yes, a will in case your relationship dies.

Have you ever been to a divorce court? I have. I’ve been thrice actually, as a mere spectator I should add. It’s not a pretty sight at times. If you ever have some time to spare, go to your nearest divorce court and spectate. You will not believe some of those couples ever loved each other. And yet, I’m sure if you go back a few years in their lives, you’ll find they were madly in love; the “I can’t live without you…here take my kidney” type of love. And now it’s all court orders, visitation rights, and alimony.

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I genuinely think a ‘relationship will’ is a great idea especially whilst you are still in love and have each other’s best interests at heart. Decide now how you will handle the children, the property, the finances, etc should you ever divorce/break up. Decide how you will discuss any issues regarding the welfare of the children. Discuss how you will handle the presence of your new partners especially in respect of your children, assets, communication, etc. Once you are happy with everything, sit down with your lawyers and iron out all the nitty gritties till you and your partner are happy.

It may all seem awkward now but best believe it’s a million times easier now than when you despise each other and are going through a nasty breakup/divorce. And no, preparing for a possible breakup does not mean you are willing the breakup to happen…just like having car insurance does not mean you are willing your car to be stolen and/or damaged. You’re just preparing….just in case.

**** Just scribbling my thoughts…just in case ****

Relationship boundaries….don’t cross ‘em.

Things not to say

I’m not really sure at what point one becomes an expert at giving relationship advice. But seeing as all my single friends are always dishing it out, clearly it can’t be that hard. Right? With that in mind, I thought I’d share some relationship advice for those of you out there who are in the honeymoon stages of your relationship. Awwww, the honeymoon stage. Treasure it. It only goes south from there.

What I’ve found over the years is that relationships get a bit iffy when the parties involved begin to get too cosy with each other. I mean, for some of us, once we get that partner we’ve be searching for, all effort immediately stops. Who needs to shower…if they’ve found the love of their life right? Irrefutable logic I tell you.

But in actuality, that effort you put in when you were single, you should keep at least 70% of it when you’re in a relationship. You know why? Because every other single person out there is keeping their effort levels at 100%…even as yours fall every day. And it’s only a matter of time before their 100% catches your partner’s eye.

So, because I’m nice (and have some time to kill), here are 10 things you should never (or at least try not to) do in a relationship:

1. Don’t poo in front of each other – for centuries, co-pooing has been used as a yardstick to gauge how comfortable you are with each other in a relationship. Some people think it brings them closer….uhm, yes…closer to BREAKING UP! How am I supposed to look at your ass all sexy when I know it just unleashed a weapon of mass destruction?

2. Birth vag – now, having a kid will be one of the best things you and your loving partner get to do….seeing the process on the other hand, can be the single most traumatic experience of your life. You thought an elastic band could stretch? Allow me to introduce you to a vagina during birth…ELASTICCCCCCCC!!!!!

3. Period sex – rumour has it women get really hormonal during their period; that if you let her, she’ll rock your world…uhm, don’t let her. Believe me, it’s better to have your world not rocked than blood and flesh-stained sheets, penis, hands, everything. Unless you’re a vampire who likes their juice with bits, I suggest you just cuddle for those few days of the month, PERIOD!

4. Picking your nose – You know those times when you really go in deep into that nose of yours? You go in there with that index finger, mix up that snot and dry booger combo, and scoop it out. Look at it and give yourself a nod of approval….yeah, I don’t wanna see you do that. It’s about as sexy as a goat in a thong (I’m being sarcastic of course….unless you’re into bestiality…at which point you’re probably drooling at the thought of a goat in a thong)

5. Talking about your ex – I know everyone wants a relationship where you’re comfortable with each other and can talk about anything….well, don’t let that include your ex. I really don’t want to hear stuff like “if my ex did it, why can’t you?”, “he was the funniest guy ever” or how your nickname for him in the bedroom was “Django Unchained”

6. Size – Speaking of Django Unchained…don’t tell your man “size doesn’t matter”. Everybody knows it does. That “size doesn’t matter” story is just a porky created by caring women who didn’t want to crush our little wiener souls. Speaking of size, did you know a woman’s vagina increases about 200% in size when she’s aroused? Yep fellas, size matters.

7. It can weight – If your partner fell for a lusciously orbicular body, then they probably adore your love handles. Keep them if you like. If, on the other hand, they fell for your slim and slender physique, then try and leave those doughnut sales alone…they can weight.

8. Pimple popping parties – Everyone loves some booty popping right? Pimple popping? Not so much. We all have pimples now and again (and again, and again) but asking your partner to pop it for you (the pimples I mean, not the booty)….uhm, no. Especially if you can reach it yourself. If I have to touch your pus, I’m giving you a pass.

9. Entrapment – Don’t constantly ask me if I think your friend is cute. “Do you think Melissa is hot? It’s fine, you can tell me. I won’t mind, she’s my friend. I promise not to freak out”….I think the police call that entrapment.

10. Your mama a hoe – Wait…WHAT??!! It’s normal for moms and daughters in law (especially prospective ones) to not always get along. But don’t tell me that you hate my mum. I know my mama is a bit (a lot) loony and unhinged, but hey, that’s my mom!

*just scribbling my relationship thoughts*

ps: I’m sure some of you break every single one of these “rules” and your relationships are still awesome. Moral of the story is, do you. Long as you’re happy, you’re winning!