Today’s post is for my South African bredren.
As you may be aware, South Africa’s mens national football team got knocked out of the African Nations Championship (CHAN) tournament currently taking place in Cape Town.
That Bafana Bafana, as they are affectionately known, got knocked out (via a 3-1 loss to Nigeria’s Super Eagles) isn’t all that surprising. They have somewhat mastered the art of impotent performances on the big stage. What was surprising was Sports Minister Fikile “Fiks” Mbalula’s scathing comments the day after the game. Pulling no punches, Fiks had this to say:
“We indeed have a crisis of
monumental proportions and this
tournament has proved that. The
mediocrity we saw yesterday is
disgraceful. It was not even lacklustre, it was useless. Last night, we saw a
bunch of losers who conceded two
useless goals. We must never wake up
to this situation ever again”
“Some of the players think it is their
right to be in the Bafana team, some
have been there but never won
anything. We must forget this
generation of players”
“They don’t respect their parents, their girlfriends and the nation. There is a need for a new generation of players as the current crop doesn’t respect the country”
“I saw people lining up outside to greet them (the team)…I won’t greet them. I didn’t even call them”
As you can see, the Minister threw away the handbook of political correctness for this press conference, and went old school on the national team. It was sound bite heaven I tell you.
Some people think the Minister went too far, others think Bafana are indeed in need of a bit of tough love. I’m with the “tough love” bunch. But instead of just complaining, I’m actually going to tell the Minister how to fix this problem. You see, Bafana’s main problem is they are that rich spoilt kid playing against ghetto ruffians. Yep, if you want to play soccer in Africa, you got to be Africanised first.
So here’s “how to Africanise Bafana Bafana”
1) What the hell kind of a name is Bafana Bafana anyway? Boys Boys? How you gonna call yourself “Boys Boys” and expect to beat “The Stallions”, “Super Eagles”, “Warriors”, “Elephants”? Change it already.
2) When Bafana travel on the continent, they carry tonnes of their own food and water because “the hygiene in Africa is questionable”. Rubbish! When in Rome, eat Fufu. Eat whatever the other kids are eating out there. If the water in Sierra Leone has Bilharzia in it, U best be having a second serving of that Bilharzia juice.
3) Get rid of yellow bones. Seriously, have you seen any light skin brothers in Nigeria, DRC, or Mozambique’s teams?
4) Stop whinging. Bafana have been made to wait at host nations’ airports for hours in the past. They usually just stand there and whinge. F that. Get cabs, go to the nearest brothel/hostel and sleep. TIA: This is Africa. Go hard or go home.
5) Forget Mohitos, have some mosquitoes. Those anti-malaria shots Bafana take before travelling on the continent, forget the bloody things (Pun!!!). Nothing like fear of Malaria to make U want to win asap and leave!
6) The so called state of the (f)art training facilities used by Bafana are making them soft. Have them train on gravel…bare footed…with a bag of cricket balls for a ball. As the locals would put it: JBS – Just Be Strong.
7) Stop overpaying Bafana players to play for their country. Zimbabwe are through to the CHAN quarter finals (Yeay!!!). How much do you think they are getting paid? Let me rephrase that…how much do you think they are not getting paid?
8) Can we get some testosterone injections in there too so they can bulk up, or at least grow some beards or something. Some of those guys look like they just came out of creche. How you gonna beat a Mandingo-looking navy man from the Congo when look softer than the Andrex puppy?
9) Speaking of testosterone, some Bafana players have voices so squeaky you’d think their testicles haven’t descended. Man up and turn that bass up. Chipmunks don’t win tournaments.
10) Lastly…this is to the South African Football Association…stop hosting every single tournament! Yes, U have stadia but geez! You host more tournaments than the Kardashian family hosts weddings. You’re making Bafana Bafana get so used to default qualification as hosts. Stop it!
*just scribbling my thoughts*
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